While pouring through the player values on Profanity Sports, trying to set the perfect lineup, I suddenly realized that I was spending way more time building my super teams than I spent on any of my commissioner league teams (of which I’m in three leagues and I’m sitting pretty in all three, thank you very much). Why do I get more excited about the daily and weekly fantasy games format than I do for leagues that I’ve been involved in for years or decades?
I’m checking out the player’s salaries and thinking to myself, “That guy’s a one week wonder; he’s way too expensive” or, “He had a tough week, he’ll bounce back, good matchup, great bargain!” I then started thinking of Profanity Sports as it relates to the stock market. Could that be why it’s so fun? Buy low, watch it grow… Sure, big dreams of turning little investments into big payouts. Sounds about right, but lately the stock market is a place where you put your money when you don’t want it any more.
Then I’m looking at the games and the way that they are set up (Draft Matrix™) and it reminds me of the heyday of internet poker and what fun that was. Sit and Go’s, heads up cash games, free rolls. It was a bunch of cowboys calling every bet because they saw Chris Moneymaker stumble ass-backwards into winning the World Series of Poker and then they read the first chapter of Super System. It was like shooting fish in a barrel; well not quite I guess, because fish in a barrel don’t regularly spike one-outers on the river as you destroy your desktop monitor in frustration. So Profanity Sports is not exactly like internet poker but…
THE TRACK!! That‘s it! You pick your ponies and you let them run. The more knowledge you have the better you do and when your long shot comes in you can be sure you‘re getting paid. This is probably the closest comparison to Profanity Sports because you actually get to “watch your horses run” on Sunday and as soon as the race/game is over, you get paid. The main difference (for me) is that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing at the track. I base my picks on the highly scientific formula of choosing the funniest name, combined with numbers I like and the occasional consultation of the $3 pamphlet I bought on the way in. So yeah, I guess you could call me a handicapper…
OK, so you take a dusting of the stock market (back when Slick Willy Clinton was President), a dash of internet poker, sprinkle in a heavy dose of the horse track (or OTB where those are legal), and then add the not-so-secret secret ingredient: Football. Now you’ve got the most fun you can have on the internet with your pants on. I’m hooked (you’ve gotta be too if you’re reading this) and a lot of others will be soon. Tell your friends and keep playing because this just could be the funnest (yes, I said funnest) type of fantasy football we’ve ever seen. (Editor’s Note: It’s gonna be double the fun now too with NCAA Fantasy Quick Play)
In keeping with the stock market/horse racing/poker theme I’m gonna give you a few blue chip stocks, some long shots and a one-outer that will help you win this weekend. Let’s get to it…
Get these guys at the right price and you can almost guarantee great return on your investment.
Stevan Ridley – RB – Patriots ($6,100,000) I know you can’t trust the Patriots running back(s) because they burn you every time. I get that. Their best option lately has been BenJarvus Green-Ellis and his best asset is his nickname: The Law Firm. Ridley has everything that BGE lacks; breakaway speed, cutback ability and did I mention speed? I imagine this is the last week you’ll be able to get him for under $10,000,000.
Titus Young – WR – Lions ($5,900,000) How awesome is Calvin Johnson? If Megatron was a drug I’d be Bubs from’ The Wire’ right now, he’s that awesome. Maybe Bob Ryan didn’t believe before Sunday but by the end of the game Dallas was triple covering Johnson (that didn’t work either). The math here is simple; if three defenders are on one guy then another guy must be open. Titus Young had more targets and catches last week than Nate Burleson and quite frankly he’s a better player. He’s also cheaper for now.
Just like in horse racing, you have to have a long shot or two if you want to hit it big.
Arrelious Benn – WR – Buccaneers ($7,900,000) Benn’s probably not going to get you 10 catches for 100 yards most weeks. He’s far more likely to have 2 catches for 90 yards and a score once in a while. He is a big play guy who basically defines the long shot role. I like him this week with Mike Williams struggling and with Tampa Bay going against San Francisco’s 27th ranked pass defense.
Kevin Boss – TE – Raiders ($4,750,000) The price is certainly right for Boss. The cheapest TE available caught 4 passes for 78 yards last week. He’s probably not going to average almost 20 yards per catch again this week but for less than $5 million you can’t afford not to take that chance (huh?).
Jacoby Ford – WR – Raiders ($5,000,000) Sticking with the Raiders, Ford is another guy that’s well worth the price. He’s arguably their best receiver and this week he’s making his debut as their punt returner as well. The Texan’s special teams play has been spotty at times so it wouldn’t be a huge surprise if he took one to the house. Ford’s a great flex option at $5 million.
The One-Outer on the River
Sometimes in poker you find yourself in a spot where you stayed in a hand too long and invested too much money to fold and there’s only one card in the deck that can save you: The One-Outer.
Christian Ponder – QB – Vikings ($5,000,000) Okay bear with me on this one. I know Leslie Frazier has been saying he’s sticking with Donovan McNabb. Thing is, usually when coaches repeatedly talk about not making a QB change, a QB change is coming. Frazier has not outright denied that he won’t bench McNabb. Even so Ponder won’t start but I think if things get ugly, he’ll get the call. Does that make him a viable fantasy option? Of course not.
Obviously this is a wildly farfetched scenario but if it does play out I would imagine that Arizona will stack the box and dare him to throw. Again, I’m only advocating this plan if you’ve built your team from the ground up and stacked every position but neglected to budget for QB (it happens). The other guys in Ponder’s salary area are complete and utter horseshit and there’s a very small chance that Ponder plays. Of course all of this happening is about as likely as you getting the 6 of clubs to make your straight flush on the river.
Thanks for reading. Come challenge me in my private game. Log in is “Dood League5” Password is “Doody”.
Nick “The Dood” Doody